I’m going to break every mirror I own.

I don’t know that person I see…

I’ve been talking about leaving my job for over a year (the crazy part is I haven’t even been here a solid 3 years yet).  Last month I finally put in my notice and then everything fell apart.  Other employees left and new employees came.  This company is so (for lack of a better word) complicated and dramatic.  I feel like everyone is angry for one reason or another and everyday I hear someone say something about leaving.  So why am I worried? Why do I care as long as I get myself out of here?

The thing is I’ve been around this company for over half of my life.  My boss has known me for almost 14 years on a personal level and sometimes it’s very difficult to draw the line between boss and friend.  Yes I’ve been very loyal to the company and I without a doubt care about its existence.  I’ve sacrificed a lot for it, but to come to work everyday and people are tense, angry, and have no sense of professionalism or pride whatsoever, it aggravates me.  It unmotivates me.  It tires me.  It frustrates me…and I just want out.

It’s like a catch 22.  I want to be selfish and leave to find a career that I enjoy doing–that doesn’t feel like work, that I don’t have anxiety about getting up and going to everyday.  But on the other hand, since I care so much about the company and have an inkling that quite a few ppl will be leaving soon–leaving the company in a bad state (even if he hired new ppl, no one would be here to train them), I want to help.

Something is telling me to run away from here and fast.  But something is telling me to wait it out here just a little while longer.

I don’t know…

I’m starting to slowly feel like my old self.  I’d been looking in the mirror day after day in disgust, so now that I don’t have to pay rent anymore, I decided to take that extra money (that I should actually be saving–but that’s another personal issue altogether) and fix my physical appearance.

I made an appointment to get my eyebrows threaded, which is something that I had done a few years ago because the results lasted longer than a razor arch, and I don’t do wax on my face.  While I was there I decided to get my upper lip threaded as well b/c I’d been disturbed by comments a couple of people had made about the apparent prominence of hair on my upper lip, especially during that time of the month.

What is Eyebrow Threading?  <–click to find out

Looks pretty simple right? I’m not gonna lie, that ish was PAINFUL! My eyes were watering to the point that tears actually fell.  For those who’ve had their eyebrows threaded before–if you think that’s painful, that’s nothing compared to having your LIP threaded–that hurt worse than my tattoos (okay maybe I’m exaggerating, but it did hurt quite a bit)….BUT the results were amazing! The things we do to be beautiful LOL

So a couple of people (myself included) had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day yesterday. Needless to say, we all needed a drink (or two, or three…)

*NOTE: The Dreamer does not condone nor promote underage drinking, nor the participation of drinking to pacify one’s sorrows or to alter one’s reality, nor any other activity that could lead to one’s eventual addiction…oh and no drinking and driving either!*

So I realized why I run away (or try to run away) so much in my life.  When I feel like I’ve messed up to the point where I can’t or don’t know how to fix it, I quit–I run away.  I’ve done it on jobs, school, relationships, pretty much everything.  And I’m still doing it.

Funny, I was talking to my mom today about my cousin who’s having trouble in school.  He attends a magnet school (my old high school in fact) where the curriculum is more challenging than regular public schools.  He’s having trouble in math and science (even with tutoring, he still failed) and my aunt was telling my mom she’s thinking about pulling him out and transferring him to the public school that he was zoned for.  I was telling my mom that I thought if he went to his zoned school that he wouldn’t be challenged to work toward his full potential b/c they wouldn’t expect or require him to do more than just enough to get by.

I suggested he stay right where he is because if my aunt allowed him to transfer, then the message that she was sending to him would be that it’s okay to quit if things are difficult.  That’s where my “ah-ha!” moment came.  I realized that what I was suggesting she not do with him, was the very thing I did with myself.  Whenever things got difficult or uncomfortable for me I just gave up.  That’s not always good b/c it’s the way that you handle those challenges that makes you grow.  Sometimes it’s okay to quit but not every time.

I told “The Open Book” that he’s challenged me more than anyone in my life ever has.  It’s ironic b/c I recently told him he was mean.  He asked me why I thought that and I really had to think about what made me say that.  What I was interpreting as him being “mean” was him challenging me to do better.  I realize that now (another “ah-ha!” moment).  He loves me enough to call me out and not accept my mediocrity.  As much as that sometimes hurts, I know it’s for my growth.

As soon as I finished that last post, my boss called yet another meeting with me.  He’s offering me a promotion with a raise and a new position (with added responsibilities of course).  The catch?  Well duh! I have to stay.

Gee wiz…Am I back to square one? *lowers head*

Word of the day: MANIPULATION

I’m starting to feel a little better.  I decided to go ahead and quit my job.  Sure maybe I’m running away again, but it has got to be a whole lot better than this awful anxious feeling I have all day everyday.  So after two agonizing meetings with my boss and a promise to stay for one month to train my replacement, and a later work schedule (yay sleeping in!), I’m feeling better.  Sure I would have loved to get out of here sooner than a month but at least I’m still leaving, and that thought alone helps me get through the day a little smoother.

Now on to my next projects…ME!  I’ve got to do some job searching (I’ve already put in a few applications) and some soul searching.  I really don’t mind the whole not having a job thing (except for not having a steady source of income) because I’ll be able to focus a lot more on getting myself together–something I’ve been neglecting for quite some time.  As I’ve mentioned I’ll be moving back in with the parents when my lease is up (next week), and while I’m not happy about the loss of freedom and privacy that will bring about, but I think the move will help me get my focus back–I’ve been distracted for a few reasons that shall go unnamed.

I’m gonna start with the physical–I looked at pictures of myself from a year ago and I looked at myself lately–I know this is vain but I haven’t really been too pleased with what I’ve seen in the mirror lately.  I mean I know I have a boo and all, but that’s no excuse to let myself go.  So I’m making appointments galore and making a budget to change my wardrobe.  The last time I felt like this I cut all my hair off–I don’t think I’m feeling that drastic of a change, but I’ve got to stop looking like a 40 year old school teacher.

I’ve also got to get back focused on my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days.  I’ve got one year left to complete it and I’m not even halfway done.

Well that’s all for now…I’m about to make the most of my last month here at work

It’s funny how a huge majority of my life I’ve been eager to run away.

My first year in public school (5th grade) I got in trouble a lot.  I got so fed up one day by my parents lecturing and whooping me and comparing me to my older sister (who I called “Ms. Goody Two Shoes”) that I just decided to run away.  I packed my Looney Tunes suitcase with my toothbrush, comb, brush, a few changes of clothes, plenty of underwear and a picture of my nephew (who I claimed in my runaway letter was the only one I was gonna miss) and took off–sort of….It was raining and cold so I got as far as the end of the driveway.  Needless to say when I knocked on the door to get back into the house I received yet another whooping.

In middle school/high school, I was overwhelmed by the division between my female classmates.  It was crazy how I graduated barely on speaking terms with some of the same girls who were my best friends coming into the school.  I felt graduation was going to be my escape from all the drama–my “runaway” of sorts would occur the moment I walked across that stage.  I would never have to see these people ever again unless I wanted to.  And then I went on to college and ran into these same people on a regular basis.  It was like I had never left.

College had it’s fair share of drama as well.  Silly of me to think that graduation would once again relieve me from it.  Ha!  Long after graduation my phone was (and still is)  ringing off the hook with people still stuck on campus, along with the same drama.

After college graduation I moved back home into my parents’ house.  One year later I thought I was grown so I moved into my own place (running away yet again).  I struggled to make rent payments and some months played eeny meeny miney moe with which utility bill was gonna get paid on time.  Now I’m broke and in terrible debt so I’m moving back in with them once my lease is up.

Even after all of that, I still desire to run away.  I’m terribly frustrated, annoyed (and whatever negative adjective you can think of) with my job and I’ve been wanting to quit for some time now.  I’ve played out the scenarios in my head and went back and forth with myself and now I think I’m ultimately fed up.

My past tells me that running away isn’t always the best solution.  Running away from or ignoring your problems doesn’t make them go away.  So now I’m wondering what to do.  Do I leave the job I hate so much with nothing else to fall back on? Or do I try to tough it out at this job a little while longer until I find something else?  Either way my finances and emotional (and maybe even physical) health are in jeopardy.

I’ve been really unhappy for quite a while.  I wake up everyday and have anxiety about going to work.  I struggle to get out of bed to get ready for work; last year I was late so many times it was ridiculous.  When I get to the corner to turn into the parking lot of my building, the anxiety gets worse.  This canNOT be healthy…

I was having so much fun when I was able to be fully engrossed with what I love to do–perform….specifically acting and dancing.  I even had fun when I used to do video shoots for different organizations when I was in college.  Now my life is practically void of all those activities and why?  Because I’ve allowed fear to run its course.  Fear of what? Failure? Judgement? Disappointment?

I started to make excuses for why I couldn’t participate in those activities–work, schedule conflicts, need for rest, etc. etc. etc.  I even tried to channel my desires into other outlets and claimed that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

Call me simple but what I want to do with my life is to be happy.  Happiness to me is doing the things I love and being able to share those things with the people I love.  If doing what I love just so happens to make me famous then so be it, but that’s not my goal. I don’t desire to be famous; I just want to do what I love.  That’s it.

I’m so over this job…..anybody hiring????